Why Do We Know What We Need To Do, But Still Struggle To Do It? Understanding Why Our Brains Prioritise Relief Over Long-Term Change
If knowledge was enough, many of us wouldn't be struggling
It's one of the most common frustrations people describe.
We know what would probably help us.
Exercise more.
Go for a walk.
Go to bed earlier.
Reduce screen time.
Spend time with friends.
Stop overthinking.
Get back into a routine.
Yet despite knowing these things, we often struggle to put them into practice.
Many people become highly self-critical.
"Why can't I just do it?"
"I know what I need to do."
"Why am I making life harder for myself?"
It's understandable that people become frustrated, particularly if they feel they've been stuck in the same cycle for a while.
However, the answer is often far kinder than many people realise.
Knowledge is rarely the problem.
Many of us already know what is good for us.
The challenge often lies elsewhere.
Modern life asks a lot of our brains
One of the things I regularly notice in my counselling practice is that people are often carrying far more than they realise.
Work responsibilities.
Family commitments.
Relationships.
Life administration.
Future planning.
Constant notifications.
Financial pressures.
The mental load of simply being an adult in modern society.
Even when we're physically resting, our minds are often still active.
Our brains are planning, analysing, anticipating and solving problems.
Over time, this can become exhausting.
Many people gradually adapt to this level of busyness and assume it's normal.
Because the build-up can be gradual, people often don't recognise how much emotional energy they are using until something begins to feel difficult.
Suddenly, simple tasks can start to feel much bigger than they once did.
Stress can affect our ability to think, plan and take action
Many people associate stress purely with feeling worried or overwhelmed.
However, stress can also influence how effectively our brains function.
Research suggests that prolonged periods of stress can affect areas of the prefrontal cortex, the part of the brain involved in planning, attention, emotional regulation and decision-making (Arnsten, 2009).
This doesn't mean we become incapable.
It simply means that under sustained pressure, our brains may find it harder to think flexibly, prioritise tasks and initiate action.
At the same time, our brains may become more focused on immediate relief and short-term solutions.
This can partly explain why scrolling on our phones, staying busy or avoiding tasks can sometimes feel easier than doing the very things we know would probably help us in the longer term.
Why motivation isn't something we either have or don't have
I think motivation is one of the most misunderstood concepts.
People often speak about motivation as though it's a personality trait.
Something we're either born with or without.
In reality, motivation is influenced by many different factors.
Stress.
Sleep.
Emotional wellbeing.
Physical health.
Life circumstances.
Mental load.
Periods of uncertainty.
If we're already carrying a lot, our capacity for additional tasks may naturally reduce.
This isn't laziness.
It's often a reflection of the amount we're already managing.
Research exploring chronic stress and allostatic load also suggests that prolonged stress can affect both our physical and emotional resources over time (McEwen, 2017).
In other words, the more we carry for prolonged periods, the harder it may become to consistently access the energy required to initiate change.
Why routines can be so difficult to restart
Many people tell me:
"Once I'm doing something, I'm absolutely fine."
The struggle often comes when trying to begin again.
This is particularly common following stressful periods, illness, holidays, busy seasons at work or significant life changes.
We may lose a routine that once felt natural.
Then the pressure begins.
We tell ourselves we need to get back to where we were immediately.
Exercise five times a week.
Eat perfectly.
Meditate every day.
Completely transform our lives by Monday.
The expectation itself can become overwhelming.
All-or-nothing thinking often creates a barrier to sustainable change.
The task becomes so large that our brains simply don't know where to begin.
Small actions are often more powerful than dramatic overhauls
One of the biggest shifts many people can make is reducing the size of the task.
A ten-minute walk still counts.
Reading one page still counts.
Making one phone call still counts.
Going to bed fifteen minutes earlier still counts.
Small actions often feel far more manageable to our brains than dramatic transformations.
Consistency is generally more sustainable than intensity.
Many people don't need a new version of themselves.
They simply need permission to start smaller.
Understanding ourselves rather than criticising ourselves
I think one of the most powerful questions we can ask ourselves is:
"What is making this feel difficult right now?"
This is often far more helpful than asking:
"What's wrong with me?"
The answers are often surprisingly revealing.
Sometimes people are exhausted.
Sometimes they're overwhelmed.
Sometimes they're anxious.
Sometimes they're grieving.
Sometimes they're carrying pressures they haven't fully acknowledged.
Often, what people need isn't more discipline.
It's more understanding.
How counselling can help
Counselling isn't about giving people another list of things they should be doing.
Most people already have enough of those.
Instead, therapy can create space to understand what may be getting in the way.
As an integrative counsellor, I work collaboratively with clients to explore recurring patterns, understand emotional pressures and develop greater self-awareness.
Together, we can begin to identify what may be depleting your emotional energy and build a more sustainable relationship with yourself.
Often, people don't need more information.
They need more compassion, more understanding and more space to reflect.
A final thought
If you've been criticising yourself recently because you know what you need to do but still struggle to do it, please know that you're not alone.
For many people, the issue isn't a lack of knowledge or a lack of motivation.
Often, it's a reflection of the amount they're already carrying.
Sometimes the most helpful shift isn't pushing ourselves harder.
It's becoming curious about what is making things feel difficult in the first place.
Because when we understand ourselves more deeply, change often begins to feel a little more achievable.
References
Arnsten, A.F.T. (2009) 'Stress signalling pathways that impair prefrontal cortex structure and function', Nature Reviews Neuroscience, 10(6), pp. 410–422.
McEwen, B.S. (2017) 'Neurobiological and systemic effects of chronic stress', Chronic Stress, 1, pp. 1–11.
Kahneman, D. (2011) Thinking, Fast and Slow. London: Penguin Books.
About Andrew Selway
Andrew Selway is an Integrative Counsellor, Psychotherapist and Clinical Solution-Focused Hypnotherapist based in Upper Heyford, near Bicester, Oxfordshire, offering both in-person and online sessions across the UK.
Drawing upon more than 20 years' experience in senior HR, talent and business environments, Andrew has a particular interest in supporting people who appear to be coping on the outside whilst privately carrying more than others realise.
His work often focuses on anxiety, overthinking, stress, unhelpful patterns, life transitions, workplace pressures, relationships and the emotional challenges that can accompany modern life.
Andrew offers a calm, collaborative and down-to-earth approach, creating a space where people can better understand themselves, develop self-awareness and move forward in a way that feels meaningful and sustainable.
If you're considering therapy, a free 15-minute introductory call is available.