Why Are We Pulled Towards Certain Behaviours? Understanding Anxiety, Relief and the Brain's Search for Safety
Why do we do things we know aren't helping?
Most of us have experienced it at some point.
We know a behaviour isn't particularly helpful, yet we still feel pulled towards it.
We check our phone again.
We ask for reassurance.
We replay a conversation.
We Google a symptom.
We throw ourselves into work.
We stay busy.
We avoid something that feels uncomfortable.
Many people then become frustrated with themselves.
"I know this isn't helping, so why do I keep doing it?"
Often, the answer is far kinder than people realise.
Many of the things we criticise ourselves for are often our brains trying to protect us.
These behaviours are rarely signs of weakness, a lack of discipline or personal failure.
In many cases, they're attempts to reduce discomfort and create a sense of safety.
The brain is designed to keep us safe, not necessarily comfortable
One of the most reassuring things to understand is that our brains are constantly trying to keep us safe.
For thousands of years, this has been an incredibly helpful function. Identifying threats and responding quickly increased our chances of survival.
The challenge is that modern life presents a different type of threat.
Many of the things that trigger anxiety today aren't dangerous in the traditional sense.
An unanswered message.
A difficult conversation.
An upcoming meeting.
A relationship worry.
Uncertainty about the future.
Our brains don't particularly like uncertainty. Uncertainty often creates discomfort, and discomfort naturally encourages us to look for relief.
When something provides even a small sense of relief, our brains take note.
"That helped. Let's do that again."
Over time, these responses can quietly become patterns.
Why temporary relief can accidentally keep us stuck
At the heart of many repetitive behaviours is a surprisingly simple process.
Discomfort.
Relief.
Repeat.
Imagine somebody feeling anxious because their partner hasn't replied to a message.
They check their phone.
For a moment, the anxiety reduces.
Their brain learns something.
"Checking helped."
Or perhaps somebody notices a physical symptom and immediately Googles it.
Again, there is temporary relief.
The brain stores that information.
"Researching helped."
The same cycle can happen with overthinking, staying busy, working late, people-pleasing, avoiding difficult situations or repeatedly seeking reassurance from others.
The relief may only last a few minutes, but often that's enough for the brain to repeat the behaviour.
Over time, these responses can become automatic.
Why capable people are particularly vulnerable to this
One thing I regularly notice within my counselling practice is that many highly capable people become stuck in these cycles.
People who are responsible, conscientious and dependable are often very good at solving problems.
The difficulty is that the brain can become so practised at solving problems that it begins looking for them everywhere.
Life gradually becomes something to manage rather than something to experience.
Many people aren't simply trying to avoid discomfort.
They're trying to prevent future discomfort.
This can look like:
Overpreparing
Overworking
Overthinking
Trying to get things right
Trying to control outcomes
Trying to anticipate every possibility
Initially, these strategies may feel helpful.
Over time, however, they can become exhausting.
Why uncertainty feels so uncomfortable
At the heart of many of these patterns sits uncertainty.
Relationships involve uncertainty.
Health involves uncertainty.
Careers involve uncertainty.
Life itself is uncertain.
As humans, we naturally prefer predictability. Our brains like answers and clear outcomes.
Periods of increased stress can make uncertainty feel even harder to tolerate.
Research suggests prolonged stress can influence areas of the brain involved in emotional regulation, decision-making and our response to perceived threats (Arnsten, 2009; McEwen, 2017).
This doesn't mean something is wrong.
It often means our brains have become slightly overprotective.
Understanding this can be surprisingly reassuring because it moves us away from self-criticism and towards self-understanding.
Understanding ourselves rather than judging ourselves
I often encourage people to replace judgement with curiosity.
Instead of asking:
"Why am I like this?"
We might ask:
"What relief am I seeking right now?"
That question can be incredibly powerful.
Many people discover they aren't trying to sabotage themselves at all.
They're trying to soothe themselves.
They're trying to create certainty.
They're trying to feel safe.
Often, they're using strategies that once felt helpful but may no longer be serving them.
How counselling can help
Counselling isn't about removing all discomfort from life.
That would be impossible.
Instead, it can help us build a different relationship with discomfort, uncertainty and the behaviours that follow.
As an integrative counsellor, I work collaboratively with clients to understand recurring patterns, explore emotional experiences and develop greater awareness of what may be keeping them stuck.
Together, we can begin to understand not only what we're doing, but why we're doing it.
That understanding often becomes the foundation for change.
For many people, the goal isn't to stop feeling anxious altogether.
It's to become less governed by the immediate urge to remove every uncomfortable feeling.
Over time, people often discover they can tolerate more uncertainty than they originally believed.
And with that can come a greater sense of freedom.
A final thought
If you recognise yourself in some of these examples, please know that you're not broken.
You are human.
Many of the things we criticise ourselves for are often our brains trying to protect us.
The problem isn't that we're seeking relief.
It's that sometimes we become so focused on reducing anxiety that we unintentionally give it more influence over our lives.
Often, meaningful change begins when we stop fighting ourselves and start understanding ourselves instead.
Because when we understand what our brains are trying to achieve, we can begin responding differently.
And that can be the start of a very different relationship with ourselves.
References
Arnsten, A.F.T. (2009) 'Stress signalling pathways that impair prefrontal cortex structure and function', Nature Reviews Neuroscience, 10(6), pp. 410–422.
McEwen, B.S. (2017) 'Neurobiological and systemic effects of chronic stress', Chronic Stress, 1, pp. 1–11.
Sapolsky, R.M. (2004) Why Zebras Don't Get Ulcers. 3rd edn. New York: Henry Holt.
About Andrew Selway
Andrew Selway is an Integrative Counsellor, Psychotherapist and Clinical Solution-Focused Hypnotherapist based in Upper Heyford, near Bicester, Oxfordshire, offering both in-person and online sessions across the UK.
Drawing upon more than 20 years' experience in senior HR, talent and business environments, Andrew has a particular interest in supporting people who appear to be coping on the outside whilst privately carrying more than others realise.
His work often focuses on anxiety, overthinking, stress, unhelpful patterns, life transitions, workplace pressures, relationships and the emotional challenges that can accompany modern life.
Andrew offers a calm, collaborative and down-to-earth approach, creating a space where people can better understand themselves, develop self-awareness and move forward in a way that feels meaningful and sustainable.
If you're considering therapy, a free 15-minute introductory call is available.