Anxiety and the need for control: Why uncertainty can feel so uncomfortable.
You've planned the day in your head. You know what needs doing and when it needs to happen.
Then something changes.
Someone is late. A meeting moves. Your partner changes the plan. Something you were relying on doesn't happen.
The situation itself might be relatively minor, but your reaction isn't. You feel irritated, unsettled or anxious. Perhaps you immediately start trying to fix the situation or create a new plan.
If this sounds familiar, it doesn't necessarily mean you're a controlling person.
Sometimes a strong need for control can be better understood as a difficulty feeling comfortable with uncertainty. Planning, checking, preparing or doing things yourself may help reduce anxiety in the short term. The difficulty comes when feeling OK starts to depend on knowing what is going to happen.
Why do I get anxious when things don't go to plan?
Our minds naturally try to anticipate what is coming.
Predictability reduces the number of unknowns we have to manage. If you've already mentally mapped out what is going to happen, an unexpected change means your brain suddenly has to adjust.
For someone experiencing anxiety, stress or emotional overload, that can feel particularly uncomfortable.
Control can then become a way of reducing uncertainty.
You might plan extensively, prepare for different outcomes, check things repeatedly or prefer doing something yourself rather than relying on somebody else.
These strategies can work — temporarily.
But every time taking control reduces anxiety, it can reinforce the idea that being in control is what made things feel safe.
Over time, uncertainty itself can become increasingly difficult to tolerate.
What can anxiety and a need for control look like?
It doesn't always look like obvious anxiety.
Sometimes it looks more like frustration or irritation.
You might recognise:
getting disproportionately frustrated when plans change
struggling when people are late
finding delegation difficult
wanting to know what is happening in advance
repeatedly checking arrangements
mentally rehearsing different possibilities
becoming irritated when something isn't done as expected
finding mistakes difficult to let go
feeling responsible for preventing problems
struggling to relax until everything is finished.
You may not think of yourself as anxious at all.
Perhaps you've always thought: I just like things done properly.
And that may be partly true.
A useful question is: what happens inside you when they aren't?
Why does being in control make me feel safer?
There isn't one explanation that applies to everyone.
For some people, predictability may have been particularly important earlier in life.
Others may have learned to rely heavily on themselves. If people have previously been inconsistent, disappointing or unreliable, taking responsibility yourself can feel safer.
Achievement can also play a part.
If being successful, prepared or capable has brought approval or protected you from criticism, getting things right can gradually become connected with self-worth.
Sometimes there isn't an obvious history behind it. You may simply have discovered that planning and control reduce uncomfortable feelings and gradually started doing more of both.
This is one reason counselling isn't only interested in what someone does. It can also help us become curious about what that behaviour is doing for them.
Are perfectionism and control connected?
They can be.
Perfectionism isn't simply wanting to produce exceptional work.
It might mean trying to eliminate the possibility of getting something wrong.
If something is perfect, perhaps nobody can criticise it.
If you've considered every possibility, perhaps nothing can surprise you.
If you do it yourself, perhaps you can't be let down.
If you wait until you're completely prepared, perhaps you can't fail.
Paradoxically, perfectionism can therefore contribute to procrastination as well as high achievement. When getting something right feels particularly important, starting or finishing can become risky.
Why do I overthink things I can't control?
Overthinking can create a sense that we're doing something about uncertainty.
The mind may revisit conversations, rehearse future situations or repeatedly ask what if?
Sometimes this produces a solution.
Often it doesn't.
Instead, thinking becomes an attempt to reach a level of certainty that isn't actually available.
The challenge isn't necessarily learning how to stop thinking. It can be learning to recognise when useful reflection has turned into repetitive thinking that is no longer helping.
How can counselling help with anxiety and control?
Counselling can help you understand the pattern rather than simply telling you to “let go”.
That distinction matters.
If control, preparation or self-reliance has helped you feel safer, simply trying to stop those behaviours may leave the underlying anxiety untouched.
Therapy can instead explore questions such as:
What makes uncertainty particularly uncomfortable for you?
What happens emotionally when something goes wrong?
What does making a mistake mean to you?
Why does relying on yourself feel easier than relying on somebody else?
What keeps the cycle going now?
Understanding the answers can create opportunities to respond differently.
An integrative approach to anxiety and uncertainty
As an integrative counsellor and psychotherapist, I don't assume that one therapeutic approach will suit everybody.
Our work might include a person-centred approach, creating space to explore your experience and understand yourself with greater compassion rather than criticism.
Where useful, I may incorporate CBT-informed ideas to explore relationships between thoughts, emotions and behaviours — including patterns that temporarily reduce anxiety but may keep it going.
Solution-focused approaches can help us identify strengths, resources and what is already working, while mindfulness-based approaches can support a different relationship with thoughts and uncomfortable feelings.
Where appropriate and agreed together, hypnotherapy can also be incorporated as a therapeutic modality within our work.
The approach is shaped around the person rather than trying to fit the person into one model of therapy.
What might change actually look like?
The goal isn't necessarily to become somebody who loves uncertainty.
Nor is counselling about removing ambition, organisation or high standards.
Change might be quieter than that.
A colleague doing something differently might still irritate you, but it doesn't occupy your thoughts for the rest of the afternoon.
You might delegate something without repeatedly checking whether it has been done.
You might make a mistake and recognise it as a mistake rather than evidence that you have failed.
Plans might change and, although you don't particularly like it, you can adjust without feeling that the whole day has been derailed.
Perhaps you even discover that rest doesn't have to be earned by completing everything first.
The qualities that helped make you capable remain.
They simply don't have to carry quite so much emotional responsibility.
Frequently asked questions
Is wanting to be in control a sign of anxiety?
Not necessarily. Many people simply prefer organisation and predictability. It may be useful to explore when uncertainty regularly creates significant anxiety, frustration, overthinking or behaviours that are beginning to affect your wellbeing or relationships.
Can perfectionism be linked to anxiety?
Yes, for some people. High standards can sometimes become a way of reducing uncertainty, avoiding criticism or protecting self-worth. Perfectionism can therefore coexist with anxiety, procrastination, overthinking and difficulty switching off.
Can counselling help me become less controlling?
Therapy isn't necessarily about labelling you as controlling or asking you to abandon your standards. Counselling can help explore why control feels important, what happens when certainty disappears and whether you could develop more flexible ways of responding.
Do I need to know why I feel this way before starting counselling?
No. Part of counselling can be discovering and making sense of the patterns together. You don't need to arrive with an explanation or even know exactly what you want to change.
About the Author
Andrew Selway is a qualified integrative counsellor, psychotherapist and clinical solution-focused hypnotherapist based in Upper Heyford, near Bicester, Oxfordshire.
He supports adults with anxiety, workplace stress, burnout, confidence, perfectionism, relationship difficulties and life transitions through counselling, psychotherapy and solution-focused hypnotherapy, both in person and online across the UK.
Before retraining as a therapist, Andrew spent over 20 years working in senior HR, recruitment and business leadership, giving him a particular understanding of the pressures faced by professionals, managers and business owners.